Poetess

2012-01-06T21:28:00.000-06:00

I keep feeling the need to reach out to a place where I am unwanted...
life goes on yet pieces of me float...wander purposefully toward a resolution
that will never come.

He loves me. To a point. Doesn't want me. Past a point. Needs me to silently forgive the wrong he keeps doing. Beyond the point.

There is no return from the middle. The purgatory of heart and mind is unsatisfying compromise...
because every thing's in it's place and there's a place for every thing...

I believe unwanted is a space uneasily detected, but readily identified...
in a far off look or stare; faint whimpers hung loosely on lips that slip into cold air...

To the point. I'm here. Past the point. You're there. Beyond the point. One of us doesn't want to feel the felt...live the life...the reality of bitter regret.

All we can do is enjoy the motions...
All we can do is embrace the roles...
All we can do is numb the obvious...

On opposing sides of a resolution that will never come because--
We don't want it.

The Enemy and the Inner Me

2011-09-08T17:18:00.000-05:00

I.
If I had the guts to tell You how I feel I would say I gotta stay cause heaven holds no earthly resolution for me. The untainted can't heal the hurt that dwells within--
bound to this sinful flesh, are regrets bigger than me;
thoughts that have shaped me--
actions, senseless, they birthed me and mold my being while God seeps through the cracked character of my broken spirit;
heaven can't fix this me...

II.
I know it's just a feeling, but those are real--valid, right?
Even if only for a moment, these weightless and unsubstantial intangibilities are so heavy;
They bind me--
Me and my happy...

III.
Eternity--in glory at that,
should bring me peace of mind
but I feel empty
I feel worn and disgusted with myself
for allowing humanity,
to get the best of me...

Unworthy (a circle poem)

2011-09-08T16:06:00.000-05:00

dirty
dingy
naked
naughty
beautiful
basking
heat
hell
cool
cold
lukewarm
love
God
good
damned
deranged
nonchalant
noteworthy
biting
remarks
red
scars
salvation
fearing
unknown
makes
me
feel
alone
and...

8.26.11

2011-08-26T11:15:00.001-05:00

she didn't care that he was taken
distress set in because of the fall

the careless nose dive into an ocean
of sweet and nothing

life, it ebbs and flows like the gentle of his voice
led by a warm pale moonlight

lonely and drowning in the shallow
she waits

waits to be picked back up again
or hoping his fall will soon follow

who can tell?

"meantime" always looks the same
and wading can last a lifetime

Murder, in the first degree: An Ode to Self-stimulation

2011-08-18T09:48:00.001-05:00

the seeds...they spilled...got wasted...aborted...was the potential...to grow...still...I imagine you...envision life full...people touched...by all your worth...because you live...live[ed]...past tense...you never came into being...his seed...it got spilled...it got wasted...the potential to grow...it's gone...still...I imagine...you...

Obituary

2011-07-28T12:06:00.001-05:00

All that remains of him is me...
Immortalized with less significance
Than I am due

Not even this sheet of paper
Can say "I love you"...
He didn't; now he can't

And I am left knowing,
He never intended too...

The Dilemma

2011-07-26T14:24:00.000-05:00

The diamond...
it glistens in the display case
much like the twinkle in her wishful eyes

A single tear disrupts--intrudes on
the beauty of this moment

I watch her feelings as they watch me
in breathless anticipation of a commitment
that will never come--

I don't love her.
There is no reciprocity;
only a baby

And that's not enough
I know she can't see it,
but parenthood can't make "us" happy

So villainy, that's the cloak and dagger ascribed to me
cause I can't move beyond
watching her feelings, watching me...

New Mommy Blues

2011-07-26T14:10:00.000-05:00

Dewdrops enveloped by sun
Dance like lightening bugs
It's morning...

But I'm done
Spent
Depleted

Tired at the beginning of now
Exhausted by all things "new"
Ready for the end of the day

Dawn creeps...again
Like little boys and friendly girls
In heat

Heavy lids can't conceal weary eyes
That wildly roll--fade to black
On the inside of the dome

It's not ecstasy, still deprevation
Feels euphoric

When stuck on sleepless
Everything runs together
Time seamlessly passes

Afternoons come and evenings go
All I remember though, are birds chirping
Light forever peeping through my window

As the world lays at rest
I am tortured--tormented by the day

It's always morning...
I'm always mourning...

Worn by the start
that no longer seems to stop

Untitled

2011-04-11T17:06:00.000-05:00

Crinkled like scratch paper...
Brow lines search for answers, wary with each try...

Garbage toss...
Inside my mind; outside aimed at the trash can--

Hit...
Miss...

Arms and brain numb...
Body strains...

In desperate need...
Need of substance...

Free Write

2011-03-31T11:20:00.000-05:00

It's like being parched...sunburned from extreme heat; overexposure to all the elements...and having a cactus as your only source of drink.

Sometimes, this thing just doesn't seem worth all the rough edges it takes to get to the core...the sweet of it all...

Feelings...pride...even truth--at one point or another, everything seems trifling...hypocritical; human nature...it gets in the way...

Leaving us stuck somewhere in the middle...between that proverbial rock and some hard place...the stormy side of a rainbow...

...the grey far beneath the sphere where cumulus clouds abound or on the dim side of the shade, with darkness serving at best, as temporarily relief...

I want to get away.

Spring (For Malcolm)

2011-03-21T10:01:00.000-05:00

I birth life as life begins anew...awed by its wonder...and beauty.

Never appreciated the greenest green or the moist of dew

Until I played an active role in the process of queendom.

I am Mother and like Earth, I embody unspeakable worth.

I bear gifts of light and love;

Snapshots of great joy and regrettable sorrow--

The ashes of past and the buds of promising future...

I am a giver of life--

life anew

Extra-ordinary

2011-03-01T16:14:00.000-06:00

I hide in plain sight, anxiously waiting for someone to see me...
...then I realized, so does everybody else.

Blend

2011-02-21T11:58:00.000-06:00

...never good enough...not in person...not on paper...always a request made...for me to bend...no acceptance...with credit being taken...way too often...for providing "help"...that never really comes...you don't do as much as you think you do...and that hurts me more than I ever say...to always be the one...asked to change...

The Second Guess

2011-02-16T08:41:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, he makes me feel like something is wrong with the way I am...

If all I can do is be me, how much time do I have to concern myself with the insecurities of others? Is that even a requirement in this life? To care how my confidence affects you?

I remain stubbornly unapologetic on the issue. Still, doubt resides within...and I'm left alone with these questions I have never readily posed to self...

Untitled

2011-02-16T08:36:00.000-06:00

In a different time,
Perhaps another place
I would have liked to explore
Together in you
With you
Through you

I always dream of future with you in mind--
Cause you embody comfort...peace

Warm milk and sweet honey on a cold day;
Smooth...rich...inviting

Future, it's in you
I hope she sees it too

In this time
In this place
I hope you explore

Together

Pregnant Pontifications...

2011-02-08T10:47:00.000-06:00

In this world,
there's life all around,
that didn't ask to exist
yet fights to be--

Much like that, growing inside of me...

How often we squander the opportunity
to cultivate and mold potential
away,

Because we fail to embrace
the life all around
that didn't ask to exist,
yet fights...fights to be--

here.

Untitled

2010-12-10T09:39:00.002-06:00

Gently, he whispers the bitter in my ear...

Womb cringes at the potential of
This legacy being passed on,

Like sperm to a bastard
Or hostility to a bitch in heat--

Utter insignificance.

Still, I find this thought profounding;
How I long to save innocence from its enemy--

The darkness of self...

Sound of a Heartbreak

2010-11-23T08:28:00.002-06:00

It was only a moment--
The shared glance...smirk exchanged
Acknowledgement of something...more

We finished lunch;
Each other's sentences...

Intimate small talk for two,
At my favorite spot

Love, it cloaked us in warmth
Cooed us in happiness;
Made me blissfully unaware

Until we passed her table
Until I caught fingers trace

It was only for a moment--
In silence, something inside me,

Broke.

9.2.10

2010-09-02T14:23:00.010-05:00

He chews and spits...

Chews and spits...

Tobacco stains sidewalk

As feet shuffle along, kick rocks

And bump mindlessly into passers-by

Because they smell him, they pretend

Not to see him, and he knows...

So brushing past doesn't seem as

Impolite as it really is--

It's all he can do to get a touch

A reminder that he is real;

More than his routine

As he chews, spits, shuffles, kicks and bumps...

Staining pavement along his way

The Hunger

2010-08-31T09:01:00.003-05:00

He shares me
Like breast milk to baby
Nurturing his every little nasty fantasy

My pride and my self-worth groan in agony
At the thought of who I might become

Because I like it
Because he loves it

Because we both need the attention
Both need to feel like more than we know
We will ever be

The Pacifist: An Ode to "Settling"

2010-08-31T08:52:00.000-05:00

Why can't we be happy?

Perhaps it's because we
Play at being friends...

Or maybe we pretend
to be in love;

Either way, the pain is real
And I want to stay, so--

Is contentment an option?

8.30.10

2010-08-31T08:42:00.001-05:00

Good friends are sometimes like old lovers--
When it's good, it's really good...
And when it's done, you wonder if it was ever worth it;

Those moments spent filling empty time
Full of memories
Fond gestures
Thoughtful words

Since any given instant can reduce the value
Of it all down to nothing more than the cigarette
And the deep exhale preceeded by a decent lay...

...the sick and twisted kind where you wish you
Hadn't indulged, yet lack the desire to wash the
Stench away

I want there to be more to us than afterthought--
But maybe that's all we've ever been...

Untitled

2010-07-08T13:11:00.001-05:00

I.
"Open wide," I said...
And ready or not, I began to peer;
To poke and prod--
A piercing stare greeted unwanting eyes
I inhaled the discontent eagerly
I like the fact that his skin begins to crawl
When I leave him used
And open
Unwillingly
I exhale satisfaction evenly,
Nose wide with all his stank
He smears my moment with a single, ingenuine tear
I hate the fact that my skin begins to crawl
When he hints to his emotionality
Secretly, it speaks volumes to me,
But I can't let let love open me up--
Open me wide, again...

II.
Like felt-tip to blank page,
He marked my purity,
And tainted my nothingness;
How disapproving eyes would glare--
Innocently, at what they thought they knew

III.
...in the open
We became complex
We became too much
We became nothing
In the midst of everything
Nose wide with all this stank
Something,
Someone somewhere,
Has convinced us
Not to let love open up--
Open us wide again
Still not ready,
Still unsure;
The peering
The prodding
The poking tarries on
And skin crawls unwillingly
As we submit
As we surrender
Hopelessly to love...

Reset

2010-07-01T08:44:00.002-05:00

The words were gray...
deliberately ambiguous
so that self worth and meaning
would remain veiled

And in the absence of relief, hurt struck
like a father disowning his own
or a mother abandoning her home

Wounded pride stared in astonishment
at what the pain had done

No taking back what wasn't said
that conveyed the pointless,
for that was the point--

The reason that revealed a need to reflect
on the gray areas...

The ones we can't take back
The ones we can't rewind
The ones that leave a taste in my mouth
and a tear in your eye

That place where there's no easy button or quick fix;
no pause, just play

Inside a world where your hand meets my face
in a less than loving embrace--

Then we kiss,
And make up

unfinished (passing thought)

2009-10-29T11:02:00.002-05:00

...anxiety settled in the crease of her brow. She sat like a war time Jew in silent suffering, waiting for the phone to ring; life or death on the other line--fate hanging in the balance. She fights hard the urge to abort present because future could become quite grim...

Sensations

2009-10-29T10:53:00.002-05:00

Words sweet like cherry lip gloss
Slipped off the tongue and into
Auditory excitement

Smiles greet as pleasantries exchange
Then eventually, numbers--
The inevitable always begins this way...

...then somehow upsets, disgusts and surprises
With a different excitement while we watch
As he slips some more of that hypnotic nectar
Sweetly into another unsuspecting ear

Cheaters Haiku

2009-10-29T10:48:00.002-05:00

Whispers quietly
Scream obvious truth to me
As I watch my porch

Vignette #1

2009-10-27T08:57:00.003-05:00

silence breaks in staccato notes as i realize i can't sing him to your tune

Vignette # 2

2009-10-27T08:53:00.002-05:00

blood smeared tears cleanse black and blue cries conjured up from the depths of a breaking will; hope seeps through the cracks...and saved spirit once again

Vignette # 3

2009-10-27T08:47:00.002-05:00

it hurts; like first light hitting nocturnal eyes--this lie called love

When It Rings...

2009-09-21T09:28:00.002-05:00

dial tone
consistently
loud silence
tormenting
enticed
appetite
you whet
my intellect
as heart
is torn
repeatedly
paralanguage
sends mixed
verbal cues
we share
loud
silence
consistently
I can't hang up
but I'm hung up
on you
[click]
you whet
my intellect
as heart
is torn
repeatedly
dial tone

Untitled

2009-07-27T17:17:00.002-05:00

...present tense passes slower than the fleeting hours I have imagined the unfolding of this experience...on the inside...the actuality of a stolen moment...I cherish each minute of inclusion...in breathless anticipation of the second it will end...for me, time births sweet sorrow...over...and over...again...

The Underachievers: An Ode to Displacement

2009-05-12T16:37:00.003-05:00

mammies...
sambos...
toms...
coons...

Nursewife to your children
Sewer of your wounds
Indentured servditude

Kings and Queens
Princes and Princesses
Bow at the feet of the helpless
Till fields for the ignorant

To gain praise
Respect
Acknowledgement

Royalty...defaced
Diminished
Defiled
Desensitized

By white-men-dressed-black-face
By 'high yellas' passing in high society
For identity lost in the shuffle
Principle lost at sea

As Kings and Queens
Princes and Princesses
Leave their dignity behind
To nurse American children
And sew American wounds

To birth mammies; sambos--
toms and coons

To trade the adornment of wealth
For the shackles of bondage and slavery
For identity lost in the shuffle

Royalty...defaced

Gluttony

2009-05-07T12:22:00.002-05:00

I'm force-fed the notion that black is beautiful
because realistically, I eat white freely,
everyday...

Drifters

2009-05-07T12:12:00.003-05:00

My worries form words and phrases that encapsulate a torrent of emotions
Not wanting to get swept away, I share with you...

Dead eyes greet me in return
As your ears repel my cries for help

I find this moment very disheartening
Because in ten minutes, you will inhale deeply;
Ball your fists, and scream at me...

Scream at me, all that I attempted to confide in you...reiterate my torment
As your tone accuses me of not listening

And then, walk away feeling justified in the unresolve we BOTH share,

share alone...

Driving on Dwele...

2009-05-01T08:47:00.001-05:00

Almost killed myself,
While trying to save this thought--
That's passion.

Sincere

2009-05-01T08:09:00.003-05:00

...to me means wrong or right,
smart or stupid, the genuine
soul would try honesty
before committing to a lie...

Psalm

2009-05-01T08:07:00.002-05:00

I deserve love,
So I decided to quit
The panic button prayers
And delight in the wisdom
Of early morning communes
To David's tunes...

Untitled

2009-04-28T10:44:00.003-05:00

thought...

If he "talks business" over here,
but "handles business" over there--
does he stand for anything???

thought...

Weather Vane

2009-04-23T09:30:00.002-05:00

It's like looking through frosted glass,
Surveying the experiential difference between
Hindsight and foresight...

Present so radically shifts between "what if..." and "if only..."
I prefer rain over fog any day
Yet ironically, am confronted by morning's dewy mist

If clear were easier to readily attain...
But it's not, because I am often living in mixed conditions

Partly cloudy
Partly sunny
Rain and sleet
Sleet and snow
Flash flooding all throughout my sense of well-being

Eyes are hazy with sweltering and ever-changing emotions
The mirage of my contentment often short circuits
Because overwhelming circumstance trickles of a grim reality
Down life's painted glass

This poor sight at Present,
Morphs my Yesterday into a dimmer Tomorrow;
Radically shifting my Today

Stain

2009-04-23T08:59:00.002-05:00

Brushed cross my cheek...

the scent
the caress
of what was thought could never be

It happened...

that silent moment between wounded existence
an exchange--of mutual regret
and understanding

The truth...

it's stained my hope
this time, the fight has turned into begging
as the desperation sets in

The betrayal...

it hits my nose
buried deep into this collar crease
and rubs my mind raw--numb

it stains
it hurts
won't wash out,

the quiet of actuality
that brushed cross my cheek

I hold back the tears so that they don't stain;
tarnish what remains, of my dignity...

Blah

2009-04-23T08:49:00.003-05:00

nothing substantial...not much to say...mind's been on empty...no life on which to prey...muse...use or abuse...cause virgin paper to copulate with pen...conceive...and birth more than an afterthought...so I often abort personification...miscarry lyrical revelations...of hope...and of healing...until the morning after...when the thrill is gone...and I'm faced once again with nothing substantial...not much to say...spitting in the hungry eye wanting reassurance...laughing at the still born of this raped thought...by drawing on my own selfish intuitions...and empty ambitions...

Untitled

2009-04-23T08:39:00.002-05:00

I haven't talked to you lately;
I mean, really talked to you,
Shared my day...feelings...thoughts--
Included you like the friend that you are

An afterthought;
As of late, that's how rememberance of you's come about
I'd say sorry, but you deserve so much more...

...like inclusion; respect...maybe a lil' pride on the side
Beginning to think that happy isn't really happy if you're never
One of the ones smiling

So today, I would like a reintroduction,
Because you deserve the very best--

Determinedly; timidly...I uncover the mirror
Because now I know, I am someone worth loving...

Loving completely

Weak

2009-04-23T08:26:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, I wish I were under-worked and over-paid...so that belly would be full and spirit, contented...but I fear that would not solve the problem...because I didn't trust God today...and when I forget to remember Him...something happens in those waking hours to remind me--I misplaced my trust...set my commitment down to chase after His will...if only for a moment, I could indulge my senses in the decadence of it all...somehow, I don't believe such a thought would be as exciting, if I would daily turn to the One sweeter than the honey in the honeycomb...He, who gives back to us, everything the locusts stole...but I didn't trust God today...and when I forget to remember Him, I settle for little inadequacies that add up to a large abyss of confusion...of questions...and loneliness...and my passion, like a half-empty glass...nestles deep into the dusty mantle of my finitude...I owe life an apology...for demanding more of her than she could ever give...

Stay

2009-02-18T08:12:00.002-06:00

I wish you'd stay...to dry the tears provoked by this bitter pill...stay...after I kiss and love away all the frustrations of the day...stay...when heart grows cold...and patience wears thin...stay...since it doesn't feel the way it used to...since the house is no longer home...I wish you'd stay...love is already so hard...only so much compromise we can do...stay...so we don't have to share...this lump is getting too big to swallow...but I fear you like it in the middle...with an imposter in either hand...instead of what's real...so if no one will be here to wipe this hurt away--

I wish you'd stay...

When It Hurts

2009-02-09T13:13:00.003-06:00

I watched quietly as she sat...
...and smiled through tears,
slightly hugging self;
Deeply inhaling the discontent
and exhaling her new beginning

I sat quietly as he watched...
...and walked away
Pride wilted on his brow like the flowers
in his hand;
With one foot in and the other out,
it was clear his heart resided where he was
about to leave

I thought quietly,
as I witnessed these crossroads unfold
in bitter and sweet--

Love at its worst because it's being done right;
Sometimes, it doesn't feel good

Still, there are smiles in the tears
And passion in every step the opposite direction--

When you love...
...through the hurt

Beneath the Warm

2009-02-02T09:15:00.002-06:00

There's a certain coldness I feel
When faced with the traces of you...
...reminds me of all we we have in common

He covers himself with you each day...and the one
I thought was behind me, merely moved underneath me--
to cushion reality's blow

I don't know why I place so much emphasis on where you came from...
It shouldn't matter if "I don't care"
Still, I find you to be the women in my life--

Not nameless, nor faceless...simply understood
Because through it all, I never could throw
His sincerity away

And love with "you" revealed the jewel he always had in me...

...but these memories, they're cold...I don't like the cold--
why does it have to be so cold?

This is Me...? (an ode to mere existence)

2007-11-02T13:48:00.000-05:00

to an unknown hand
touching an unknown face
hearing a moan that sounds unknown--
confusion is the only feeling
i've ever known...

Free Writing: What Fun...

2007-11-02T13:27:00.000-05:00

All alone, I stare outside. It's raining again, pounding on the window pane of my heart. Flashbacks of something so perfect, so seemingly right taunt me as I blink back the regret threatening to surface. My lust-infested-love has finally gotten the better of me, tricking me into habitual denial and allowing me to call it "self-control". It's raining again, pounding on the window pane of my heart...

In the dark, I recall my transgression with a tormented smile and an ill chuckle that chills the dry, cold air as I inhale deeply. I can still feel his warmth, his touch, his kiss---I can still
hear his I Love Yous echoing in my ears, running down my neck and sending sensations up my spine...his scent is still all over me; I wear a bottle of it to cover up the hurt in my soul. It's raining again, pounding on the window pane of my heart...

My being is full, impregnated with false hope and unspeakable joy all at the same time, for in order to find myself again, I must nurture another. In order for me to nuture another, I must first deny myself and my feelings for you; feelings based on ficticious hopes and dreams...dreams I instilled within you.

As I kiss my eyes, trace your lips and hug our better half, I become overwhelmed by nameless emotions, overcome by my doubts, my fears. The only laughter I hear is that of my crying mind and all of a sudden, my deep sadness and welcomed depression provide me a ray of hope---

It's raining again, pounding on the window pane of my heart...

~What fun~

Free Writing: Beings

2007-11-02T13:04:00.000-05:00

In awe, I marveled at the depth that engulfed my sense of
awareness---control and yet, was not afraid...entertaining it so freely, it cooed me, like a baby into a comfortable, content silence. All alone, I listened, watched and learned what it actually meant to have this burning, passionate desire to take a wounded, lifeless soul and marinate it with love and affection until was not only healed, but whole. As intellect bounced off of spoken word, all I could hear was inner peace. As contentment laughed in the face of fear, I could see angels rejoicing at the progress they'd always envisioned finally come to pass...we as beings were actually beginning to realize what it meant to be defined as human.

No longer do we merely exist, we live
Not only are we social, we're spiritual, profound, unique
No longer are we here, we're individual
No longer do we heal...

We grow

Crystal Ball

2007-11-02T12:45:00.000-05:00

As I stare into my crystal ball
I look in closely and recall
A house that isn't a home
A person who walks, but it's an aimless roam
A smiling face with decietful ways
A "sinless" person who only prays
After they've done all their bad deeds for the day
A beating heart that's hard as stone
A popular person who's all alone
You encased in this little fantasy
That cracked open and engulfed me
Turning my ball into reality

Together, Forever...

2007-11-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

I didn't want to know because I already knew
All my fears you'd verbally confirm true

I needn't know the inadequacy I feel
I didn't want the unreal to find feeling---

For now, all's been made substantial
And now I know we're circumstantial

Untitled

2007-10-19T14:31:00.000-05:00

A pale shade of blue
Beautiful and melancholy
Five-foot-two

If love looked like me,
I'd be smooth going down
Thirst quenching
Shockingly refreshing

I'd come free,
But wouldn't be cheap

Just like a diamond
Flawed, yet priceless
My shortcomings radiate
The rarest part of me
Because it accepts all of you;

That pale shade of blue
Beautiful
Melancholy
And I'm blessed because when I look inside,

My love mirrors you---
Unconditional...

An Ode to Hip-Hop

2007-10-19T13:55:00.001-05:00

I met her on a Saturday...

She was a dark-haired
Wild-eyed goddess who
Captivated the hearts of all those that looked her way
Wooing respect with every click of her heels

It was her confidence that won my heart
My quick wit that stole her attention
And we began---

To beat box
To freestyle
To flow
Simply melt into the afterglow of
Mental stimulation

Our situation was ripe for revolution
Filled with haters...spectators
But she was really digging me and
She knew I felt her too
And we began---

To rock
To roll
To mingle
Simply marinate raw talent with a trained ear

We communicated well,
She and I
And we redesigned perception into an art of listening
To be more than catchy
More than deep...

...we made passion
Foreplay with everyday words...
Intensity

The bond was so strong, nothing else even mattered
Because she was really digging me and
She knew I felt her too
I talked about her wherever I'd go

By showering others with her praises---
Attesting to how having her in my life was a
Blessing because of the consciousness
Her companionship raises
I. Had. Them. Hooked.

At first, she would just nod and humbly look
But one day, she strayed from my side
And we began---

To battle
To belittle
To set a stage
Simply front like everything remained the same

We went from original to mainstream
Where the size of the ring meant more
Than the symbolism of the wedding ring

Suddenly, my wild-eyed goddess said
She just wanted to be a queen
To rule and not say anything

At first, I couldn't understand what went wrong,
But it was evident my lyrics were no longer the ones
To her favorite love song
And we began---

To entourage
To groupie
To mock
Simply look for self-acceptance
In all the wrong places

Still, I couldn't stop sharing my story
And one day, "he" wanted to know her for himself
She was really digging me and
She knew I felt her too
Somehow slipped her mind to let "him" know though

And now, we're gone...

I don't mean to sound common,
It's just that I used to love her

No matter how much I try---

To reinvent her
To save her
To simply forget her because of what she's become,
I still remember,

I met her on a Saturday...

Wipe Your Feet

2007-10-19T13:50:00.000-05:00

I choose to be a doormat...
Wordlessly, I lay each and everyday
Only to be dirtied by,
Trampled on,
And soaked through
With the worries voiced on the brow of the unheard
Dragged by the feet of the sure-footed
Shook off the wet coat warming a dry,
Listless soul

I carry others so that they don't have to
Carry me
Shift life's weight so they can't see---

Multi-dimensional while remaining flat,
Everyone stands on me like a doormat
And though few are invited,
All seem welcomed...

Crack

2007-10-19T13:41:00.000-05:00

I miss my time with you...
And though dependency is not a good condition,
You're my drug of choice---
My vice to maintain

It didn't use to be that way
You weren't always a welcomed habit
I couldn't seem to quit

Once, you were my rock...
My shoulder to cry on
The cool calm that washed over me
Whenever the heat of anger threatened
To consume my joy

Now, I just wanna feel good...
That warm and fuzzy kinda feeling you
Get when you're "so gone" you can't remember---
And the not remembering or caring about
The unknown seems okay (sorta good)

How bittersweet it is to have you coursing
Through my veins when I can't see you;
As I complain about time spent elsewhere
Yet all I yearn to do is feel good

So I settle...
Settle for little doses of you to maintain
Since I can obviously no longer afford

The real thing...

Sicko World

2007-10-19T13:32:00.000-05:00

Sickness is the beauty of today
Obsessive, compulsive behavior--the new "caffiene" of the future
Self-help for the self-destructive is the new craze
Of the self-made person

Blame is no longer a personal problem,
Now that society is the only candidate left
To take the fall

'An eye for an eye' isn't merely a saying
And marriages have become fair game

Happiness is anything shaken, rolled or stirred into pill form
That's the current definition of good will

We live in a world devoid of commonsense
Where the god of morality is Howard Stern
And his goddess Spike TV

The tangible in life, we can no longer live without
And that's the way it's been

Since sickness is in...

Clothes

2007-10-18T09:04:00.001-05:00

I wash different articles of you and recall all the ways I tossed them---
carelessly
anxiously
hurriedly
excitedly
lovingly
Each and every time knowing that us was "it"

The spinning cycle continues
And I remember that's the way I feel now---
Going round and round;
Shaking, like the way I did
When you were beside me
Around me
Inside my every word...thought...deed

I've finally rinsed away all of me
From the one thing I actually know
I love

And I'll fold you and
Put you back the way
I found you, once I dry
My tears

Don't Touch Me There

2007-10-18T08:55:00.001-05:00

you love me
unaware that you
aren't there
feel me everywhere
want me nowhere

outside is just as cold
as the warm you give to me
i use my creativity
to imagine the words you say
hold actual meaning

weightless in water
is how you captivate my attention
i don't need this
unlike the air
still, i breathe stagnancy

because you love me unaware
feel me everywhere
my mind...

you no longer touch me there
so i'm left to want
with nowhere to go

Vice

2007-10-18T08:45:00.000-05:00

It's tight...this metal binding my hands...tugging at my feet...mind is trapped...barred in...as I do what I want...and deny the sin...less brings more...action with...hushed reaction...a fraction of your time...complete satisfaction...sex oozes off...the marble mantle...like the game...you slid off your tongue...into my ear...then confident...you now lay awake...fearful...little boy...turned raped man...hand-cuffed...ready to go...wanting to keep...draining every drip of enjoyment...out of this experience...out of me...no thrill...have I found...bound to this flesh...tired by your arousal...sorry...for you...my bondage is ending...maturity's set in...you're just starting...we exchange...old keys for newness of life...so we think...over and over again...now you're stuck...and loving it...the bindings...so tight...like you...left...cuffed to my bad habits...clinging to my marble mantle...as I walk FREE...out the door...

Angst

2007-10-18T08:36:00.000-05:00

It's blue and sunny
But the clouds are shaped like teardrops
And the clear sky seems streaked with grey
Bird melodies sound mockingly across breeze
That hisses angrily

Beautiful...
Bitter...
Sweet...
Cacophony...

As I sit on the stoop
Breathe deep
Close my eyes and---

Shoulder shrug
Sigh a little

Fake my way into
a really good feeling
By staring into blue skies

No wonder it never works...

Free Writing: Reality Bites

2007-10-18T08:27:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how the truth can enrage so many. In the stillness and quietness of a moment, anger's pin drop can invoke the chaos and confusion only truth can hold within the heart and mind of denial. It seems as though we only become enthralled when we are told something we already know. We like to persecute, but we don't like to be under persecution. We like to be the exception, but never the standard...so why complain?

Truth has many intricately simple facets that affect our total genetic make-up, as well as the make-up of those around us. The blush of "constructive" criticism, the liner of self-esteem, the lipstick of boldness, the concealer of pride, the foundation of faith, the polish of morale, the shadow of good intent---can all be altered by application at the wrong time, in the wrong place, for the wrong reasons. Then, we realize that we're wearing someone else's and all of a sudden...

reality bites.

Untitled

2007-10-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

One day, he'll appreciate me...
I see the way he looks at you;
He even points out the little things I fail to do

It's skewed...but it's still love
And it's all our own

And while I don't want your look
Or your brand of gratitude,

I need to be defended...
I'd like to be bragged on...
I deserve a "thanks" every now and again...

But it's my fault...my fault he doesn't know what my last looks like
My fault he doesn't know what my last tastes like

My fault because of my contentment to submit defeat---
Because of my inability to compete

I didn't guard my post
So, he looks at you
He looks at you and loves me

And my last...
My last always goes---
Unappreciated...

Sober

2007-10-10T08:30:00.000-05:00

I'm having a moment...a laugh...a pain...a joy...a cry...a moment...scary...intimidating...honest...
brave...a moment...lost in the confusion of my coherent thoughts...a moment...why do we call that reflection?

A moment...that I can't escape...in a place where I'm surrounded by "now"...a moment...trapped between past and future...left to draw conclusions about the present so that I might engage in true reflection...a moment...

It's hard to make a choice for myself,
When all that I am is consumed by you---

At the moment...

Jena-free...

2007-10-10T08:21:00.000-05:00

thought...

I wanted to sit under that shade tree
A right 400 years of slavery...
Civil rights...
MOVEMENT...fought to give me

Only to experience alienation,
After being told I could sit anywhere I wanted to be

I wasn't welcomed to that tree
Unless I wished to provide additional shade
Like the strange fruit portrayed by Holliday's
Mournful melody

Selfish...
After being told I could sit anywhere I wanted to be

I shouldn't have to leave,
But I don't see how to stay
In a place that can't want me

It's a hard reality to deal with, but deep inside
This truth is etched

There's always been more to a shade tree---
That's just the way it is...

Guess the "why" of the matter is meant to remain troubling
And prevent a mutual exchange of dignity and respect

Even after being told "we could..."
To anything

thought...

Letting Go

2007-10-09T16:08:00.000-05:00

If I let go, you will be okay...
But will I?

If I let go, everything will be fine,
But will we?

I can't safely say the love that will be lost
Will translate into being better than having
Never loved at all---for me

If I let...go

Beautiful Lies

2007-10-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

All of my life, I've been preparing for a place you may not want to be

Funny...

In my mind, it never occurred---never registered
That anywhere, for you, didn't include me (necessarily)

Funny...

I speak of 'Ever After' like it's inevitable
Picture had always been framed by Wonder's
Ribbon in the Sky

And isn't that just like irony?

The potential of wedded bliss has always been based on
Sweet nothings

Funny...

How tears collect in my ears at night
How I thought I couldn't live without you
Only to realize I've lived without you everyday
Even now

And I just knew we were happy
We were gonna make it

Funny, how sad this love has really been