The Enemy and the Inner Me

I.
If I had the guts to tell You how I feel I would say I gotta stay cause heaven holds no earthly resolution for me.  The untainted can't heal the hurt that dwells within--
bound to this sinful flesh, are regrets bigger than me;
thoughts that have shaped me--
actions, senseless, they birthed me and mold my being while God seeps through the cracked character of my broken spirit;
heaven can't fix this me...

II.
I know it's just a feeling, but those are real--valid, right?
Even if only for a moment, these weightless and unsubstantial intangibilities are so heavy;
They bind me--
Me and my happy...

III.
Eternity--in glory at that,
should bring me peace of mind
but I feel empty
I feel worn and disgusted with myself
for allowing humanity,
to get the best of me...

Unworthy (a circle poem)

dirty
dingy
naked
naughty
beautiful
basking
heat
hell
cool
cold
lukewarm
love
God
good
damned
deranged
nonchalant
noteworthy
biting
remarks
red
scars
salvation
fearing
unknown
makes
me
feel
alone
and...

8.26.11

she didn't care that he was taken
distress set in because of the fall

the careless nose dive into an ocean
of sweet and nothing

life, it ebbs and flows like the gentle of his voice
led by a warm pale moonlight

lonely and drowning in the shallow
she waits

waits to be picked back up again
or hoping his fall will soon follow

who can tell?

"meantime" always looks the same
and wading can last a lifetime

Murder, in the first degree: An Ode to Self-stimulation

the seeds...they spilled...got wasted...aborted...was the potential...to grow...still...I imagine you...envision life full...people touched...by all your worth...because you live...live[ed]...past tense...you never came into being...his seed...it got spilled...it got wasted...the potential to grow...it's gone...still...I imagine...you...

Obituary

All that remains of him is me...
Immortalized with less significance
Than I am due

Not even this sheet of paper
Can say "I love you"...
He didn't; now he can't

And I am left knowing,
He never intended too...

The Dilemma

The diamond...
it glistens in the display case
much like the twinkle in her wishful eyes

A single tear disrupts--intrudes on
the beauty of this moment

I watch her feelings as they watch me
in breathless anticipation of a commitment
that will never come--

I don't love her.
There is no reciprocity;
only a baby

And that's not enough
I know she can't see it,
but parenthood can't make "us" happy

So villainy, that's the cloak and dagger ascribed to me
cause I can't move beyond
watching her feelings, watching me...

New Mommy Blues

Dewdrops enveloped by sun
Dance like lightening bugs
It's morning...

But I'm done
Spent
Depleted

Tired at the beginning of now
Exhausted by all things "new"
Ready for the end of the day

Dawn creeps...again
Like little boys and friendly girls
In heat

Heavy lids can't conceal weary eyes
That wildly roll--fade to black
On the inside of the dome

It's not ecstasy, still deprevation
Feels euphoric

When stuck on sleepless
Everything runs together
Time seamlessly passes

Afternoons come and evenings go
All I remember though, are birds chirping
Light forever peeping through my window

As the world lays at rest
I am tortured--tormented by the day

It's always morning...
I'm always mourning...

Worn by the start
that no longer seems to stop

Untitled

Crinkled like scratch paper...
Brow lines search for answers, wary with each try...

Garbage toss...
Inside my mind; outside aimed at the trash can--

Hit...
Miss...

Arms and brain numb...
Body strains...

In desperate need...
Need of substance...

Free Write

It's like being parched...sunburned from extreme heat; overexposure to all the elements...and having a cactus as your only source of drink.

Sometimes, this thing just doesn't seem worth all the rough edges it takes to get to the core...the sweet of it all...

Feelings...pride...even truth--at one point or another, everything seems trifling...hypocritical; human nature...it gets in the way...

Leaving us stuck somewhere in the middle...between that proverbial rock and some hard place...the stormy side of a rainbow...

...the grey far beneath the sphere where cumulus clouds abound or on the dim side of the shade, with darkness serving at best, as temporarily relief...

I want to get away.

Spring (For Malcolm)

I birth life as life begins anew...awed by its wonder...and beauty. 

Never appreciated the greenest green or the moist of dew

Until I played an active role in the process of queendom. 

I am Mother and like Earth, I embody unspeakable worth. 

I bear gifts of light and love;

Snapshots of great joy and regrettable sorrow--

The ashes of past and the buds of promising future...

I am a giver of life--

life anew

Extra-ordinary

I hide in plain sight, anxiously waiting for someone to see me...
...then I realized, so does everybody else.

Blend

...never good enough...not in person...not on paper...always a request made...for me to bend...no acceptance...with credit being taken...way too often...for providing "help"...that never really comes...you don't do as much as you think you do...and that hurts me more than I ever say...to always be the one...asked to change...

The Second Guess

Sometimes, he makes me feel like something is wrong with the way I am...

If all I can do is be me, how much time do I have to concern myself with the insecurities of others?  Is that even a requirement in this life?  To care how my confidence affects you?

I remain stubbornly unapologetic on the issue.  Still, doubt resides within...and I'm left alone with these questions I have never readily posed to self...

Untitled

In a different time,
Perhaps another place
I would have liked to explore
Together in you
With you
Through you

I always dream of future with you in mind--
Cause you embody comfort...peace

Warm milk and sweet honey on a cold day;
Smooth...rich...inviting

Future, it's in you
I hope she sees it too

In this time
In this place
I hope you explore

Together

Pregnant Pontifications...

In this world,
there's life all around,
that didn't ask to exist
yet fights to be--

Much like that, growing inside of me...

How often we squander the opportunity
to cultivate and mold potential
away,

Because we fail to embrace
the life all around
that didn't ask to exist,
yet fights...fights to be--

here.